Sorry "friends", it's a habit of mine to close myself off.
I have observed that I am uneasy with my friends. I occasionally enjoy their presence. But most of the time, I'd rather be somewhere else. Preferably alone.
I submerge myself within their company, hoping for something fun, exciting...different to happen. However, time and time again, they fail this expectation. I am not blaming them for my lack of happiness. I have just realized that they cannot fulfill this wish of mine. Maybe because this wish was never meant to be fulfilled?
Now that I have thought about this a few times, I wonder if my lack of interest, or more befitting, lack if "courage" is what's keeping me from being happy in the company of my friends. I'd like to deny this notion, but if it's true, then I must fix this about me. I'd like to think that I genuinely try to have fun with them. Sad to say though, all my attempts, though warranted me a few chuckles, were but a failure. Sure I smiled, laughed even. But I never really had "fun." It's like "Oh what the hell. Let's pretend that I'm having fun for their sake, I don't want to ruin the mood after all, then maybe, just maybe I would eventually HAVE fun.
sad sad sad...
Perhaps I am associating myself with the wrong group? In my careless attempt to find ease, I settled for the first group I could tolerate. (The tolerance was short-lived though)Or maybe I'm just meant to be alone. Psh. Perish the thought.
This kind of thinking. It's what pushed me to sort of close myself off from my friends. If I'm not having fun, I must be the problem, because everyone else is. I believe that, if people knew who I really am. If they knew how I think, they wouldn't understand. Which is why I tend to be quiet and keep my thoughts to myself. If I get too close, these thoughts would escape and reach the other person, which is something I'd like to avoid.
I know what you're thinking and no. I do not fear rejection. I just find misunderstandings and differences in opinion troublesome and pointless. If no one knows what I'm thinking, then there would be no conflict. I just sit by, watch, and let them change my opinion so that we could reach an agreement. If that is not achieved, I cut off my connections with the person because we have nothing to agree on. This way, a difference in opinion would be resolved in a peaceful manner, instead of confronting each other which results to more hurt feelings than necessary. My existence is not that precious to be valued so much by someone. So I believe that "deleting" someone from my life would be no problem at all. Losing me isn't a big deal. Keeping that in mind, "deleting" someone would be much easier than trying to hold on to a friendship that wouldn't work.
Ahhhh. Loner. Anti-social. I don't know where I fall. I don't necessarily like being alone. It's just that... when I try to mingle with other people, I feel alienated, tired even. I don't belong. I shouldn't be here. Hence, the sanctuary of solitude looks very appealing.
Of course, there are exceptions. I have a group of friends I hold near and dear to me. They're not with me right now, which is why I long for company similar to theirs. I am not that open yet, but I can say that I can almost be completely myself with them. They're a silly bunch, and I love them.
This is but a mere fragment of my thoughts about my so-called "group of friends" at the moment. I shall leave the rest for another date, when a situation calls for an in-depth look at things.
Long rant. Yes.
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