F R I E N D S . ?

Sorry "friends", it's a habit of mine to close myself off.

I have observed that I am uneasy with my friends. I occasionally enjoy their presence. But most of the time, I'd rather be somewhere else. Preferably alone.

I submerge myself within their company, hoping for something fun, exciting...different to happen. However, time and time again, they fail this expectation. I am not blaming them for my lack of happiness. I have just realized that they cannot fulfill this wish of mine. Maybe because this wish was never meant to be fulfilled?

Now that I have thought about this a few times, I wonder if my lack of interest, or more befitting, lack if "courage" is what's keeping me from being happy in the company of my friends. I'd like to deny this notion, but if it's true, then I must fix this about me. I'd like to think that I genuinely try to have fun with them. Sad to say though, all my attempts, though warranted me a few chuckles, were but a failure. Sure I smiled, laughed even. But I never really had "fun." It's like "Oh what the hell. Let's pretend that I'm having fun for their sake, I don't want to ruin the mood after all, then maybe, just maybe I would eventually HAVE fun.

sad sad sad...

Perhaps I am associating myself with the wrong group? In my careless attempt to find ease, I settled for the first group I could tolerate. (The tolerance was short-lived though)Or maybe I'm just meant to be alone. Psh. Perish the thought.

This kind of thinking. It's what pushed me to sort of close myself off from my friends. If I'm not having fun, I must be the problem, because everyone else is. I believe that, if people knew who I really am. If they knew how I think, they wouldn't understand. Which is why I tend to be quiet and keep my thoughts to myself. If I get too close, these thoughts would escape and reach the other person, which is something I'd like to avoid.

I know what you're thinking and no. I do not fear rejection. I just find misunderstandings and differences in opinion troublesome and pointless. If no one knows what I'm thinking, then there would be no conflict. I just sit by, watch, and let them change my opinion so that we could reach an agreement. If that is not achieved, I cut off my connections with the person because we have nothing to agree on. This way, a difference in opinion would be resolved in a peaceful manner, instead of confronting each other which results to more hurt feelings than necessary. My existence is not that precious to be valued so much by someone. So I believe that "deleting" someone from my life would be no problem at all. Losing me isn't a big deal. Keeping that in mind, "deleting" someone would be much easier than trying to hold on to a friendship that wouldn't work.

Ahhhh. Loner. Anti-social. I don't know where I fall. I don't necessarily like being alone. It's just that... when I try to mingle with other people, I feel alienated, tired even. I don't belong. I shouldn't be here. Hence, the sanctuary of solitude looks very appealing.

Of course, there are exceptions. I have a group of friends I hold near and dear to me. They're not with me right now, which is why I long for company similar to theirs. I am not that open yet, but I can say that I can almost be completely myself with them. They're a silly bunch, and I love them.

This is but a mere fragment of my thoughts about my so-called "group of friends" at the moment. I shall leave the rest for another date, when a situation calls for an in-depth look at things.

Long rant. Yes.

Negative. Negative.

Drive does not exist. Determination is just an illusion Hollywood made to give humans a reason to do the impossible. The truth is, no one has such drive to push one self to the limits. All we have is fear. It's what makes us move.

I have been searching for this so called "motivation," and has yet to find it. Some people use love... self satisfaction... and even material prizes. I have had all options. None of them ever pushed me to go out of my way to accomplish something.

I work out of boredom. Maybe even out of non-existent pleasure of having accomplished something. Mostly, I act because I know I should. This set of rules and standards I have for myself.. or rather, my mother's.. is what keeps me from failing. I owe it to my mom to try harder. But in the end, the motivation out of that debt is minuscule. Doing something for someone is usually easy, so why not do it? But when the favor gets in the way of my happiness, I find it hard to move.

I'd like to think that I move for others. But that's just not true. After observing how lazy I am, I realized that my actions are purely selfish. Every single thing that I have done was for myself.

I do what my mother tells me to satisfy my guilt and debt. I help my friends to fill an empty void... an emptiness inside me that might be filled after doing acts of kindness. I also do it because it's the "right" thing to do.

Think about it. If there were no standards. If people never judge. If there were no consequences, what's stopping people from become lazy motionless sloths?

Insignificant Dilemma

I feel that my life is so boring and scheduled; nothing exciting ever happens.
I sleep, wake up, go to school, go home, do stuff, go to bed.
I guess it's something every human being feels.
My life is just a routine, basically.

I don't resent it. I just want something else.

When I think about the problems of my friends, my own problems seem very insignificant compared to theirs. I believe I don't have much to worry about. The biggest problem I had was almost failing a subject, while they have problems that constantly threaten their very lives. It makes me think that I don't have any right to whine or rant. If they can cope with their problems, I should cope with mine, no sweat.

Now, knowing that my problems are relatively insignificant, my life has become more boring.

The thing about problems is that they have the ability to break a routine; something that I want to happen to me. So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't mind having a big problem because it gives me a chance to do something new, to feel like my life isn't a broken tape replaying itself over and over again.

It's a selfish way of thinking I know. Why don't I just enjoy this carefree lifestyle that I have? I virtually have everything I ever wanted and more. Who in their right minds would wish for problems to happen to them, right? Well, I guess I'm not in my right mind, then. Boredom has that effect on me

wishing for irrational things... preposterous.

Communication Failure

Daily interactions with people has become tedious for me.
It's not that I like being alone more.
It's that I like being surrounded by people less,
be it strangers or even my own relatives.

Perhaps I am slowly walking down the path of absolute solitude?

Talking has become a nuisance. It opens doorways that lead to arguments and conflicts, and frankly I find such childish endeavors a waste of time. Only insolent and spoiled bastards find such opportunities in the most innocent of statements.

I used to love speaking my mind. I still do. Ignorance took away that joy of mine. Ignorance in the form of my kin...

Speaking was the only escape I had. Little by little, I was able to let go of frustrations and unwarranted emotions. Feelings of torment would be subtly released in senile jokes, loneliness in sarcasm and vulnerability in playful insults.

Now I draw and write stories to vent these suppressed feelings of mine.

I guess this proves the point about doors and windows, huh?

s c r a m b l e d t h o u g h t s

Will this be a childish attempt or a smart endeavor?

I just need a place to dump all my
thoughts. Who knows? This could
be of use to me someday... or not